Top Best Bad Guys in the Movies

Neil McCauley: Robert De Niro Heat (1995)

Old Bobby plays the Neil McCauley in Michael Mann’s excellent crime caper.

He is probably by far one of the coolest bad guys to have ever graced the movie screen.
He’ll plough through anyone who gets in his way to get a job done and I’m talking the about the cops, their mothers, the 10 year old walking his dog. He’d probably stream roller over God if the opportunity presented itself.

Even when Al Pacino’s slightly un-hinged copper Vincent Hanna gets a whiff of him he doesn’t break a sweat, he just takes him for a cuppa.
He’s that cool.

Evil Rating: 9
He does kill a lot of people and that includes about 80% of the LAPD in an amazing bank heist in which he walks away without a scratch. The man even instills underwear wetting fear into bullets.

Cool Rating: 10
He’s one sharp dressed dude. Oozes style. Even his girlfriend stays with him after she’s thrown a moral hissy fit when she finds out he’s killed a load of people. The dudes got one serious trouser cannon.
Also, he always seems to be wearing a very snappy pair of sunglasses when he caps some mofo. Did I mention he takes out half the LAPD?

Wimp Rating: 3
There is a love affair but that’s not his down fall. He’s got the girl; he’s got the oodles of cash and a private plane waiting to get him out of the country. Then he breaks one of his own rules in an act of true revenge to square things for his fallen friends.
This give Pacino the chance he needed to catch him.
The Muppet.

Best line:
After some fuck-wit tries to screw him over, old Bobby give him a ring and tells the guy he’s talking an empty telephone. Fuck-wit asks why. Bobby tells him “because there’s a deadman on the end of this fucking line”
What a tease, doesn’t tell the guy “I’m going to kill you fuck-wit” oh no. He just tells him he’s dead and lets the guy brick himself for a good long while.

Does he get the good guy?
Sadly no. But this isn’t a bad thing, you love his character and you want him to win. If he had, it just would have been wrong on so many levels. But hey, he goes out with class. He still manages to shake Pacino’s hand even after old Al’s just filled him with holes.
“Good show old chap”

Cops Of Movie History

In a recent (and slightly alcohol fueled) conversation with my better half. We asked the question, what happened to the original hard as nails cops of the movies? Have they become a thing made of myth since Hollywood got their claws into them and made them sensitive men of the 90’s that aren’t afraid to cry.

So here are some of IMoG’s hardest cops of movie history.
They have a badge, they have a gun, they have big balls of steel.

1# Lt. Stanley White Year of the Dragon (1985)

In a nut shell:

Mickey Rourke plays NYPD cop Stanley White. A hard as nails Vietnam vet who has been drafted in to sort out the increasing violence of the gangs running amok in New York’s Chinatown, which he does in a grand fashion. Not only does he pretty much take on the entire population of Chinatown but given half the chance, he probably would have taken on the whole of China as well.

Hardest moment:
When two hitmen disturb a little marital spat Stanley is having with his wife, the gloves well and truly come off. He shoots his attacker only to find his wife dead with her throat cut on the bathroom floor.
He chases the second hitman into the street, pausing briefly to pull the biggest hand cannon ever seen on film at the time which he kept laying around in a cabinet in the hallway.
machine-gun fire shreds the doorway as he comes through it (this seems to happen a lot to him, so if he ever holds the door open for you don’t go through it) and the hitman is away in his waiting car.
Stanley gives chase on foot and manages to get a finely aimed shot off which hits the hitman in the back of the head.
The car spins out of control and hits a wall. Boom the car goes up in flames (never buy American) but Stanley isn’t finished yet. He drags the dead and burning body of the hitman from the car to the yells of his brother in law (also a cop)
“Stanley! What the hell are you doing?”
Stanley replies, “He’s evidence”

One liners:
Don’t be silly, this man doesn’t have time to crack out some witty and ironic joke after blowing someone away, he’s got more gooks to kill! Ermmm, I mean suspects.

Does he cry:
Only once after his wife’s funeral but he’s already well into his second bottle of Jameson’s. That fine single malt would melt the emotional armour of any man.

Does he get the bad guy:
Of course he does and once he’s capped him, he decides (with one arm in plaster and a nasty limp) to arrest an entire funeral procession for the gang boss he’s killed. The result of which is a full blown riot.


2# Insp. Harry Callahan Dirty Harry (1979)
In a nut shell:
Clint Eastwood is San Francisco cop Insp. Harry Callahan aka Dirty Harry. He’s a good cop that dispenses justice his own way.
When a deranged sniper starts capping people left and right in old Frisco, Harry Callahan isn’t too chuffed and becomes fixated on finding the suspect just to show him a whole new meaning to the word pain.

Hardest moment:
Harry has just shot the sniper in the leg with his infamous .44 Magnum. The punks down, bleeding and begging for his life. Even though this nut job has kidnapped a young girl who is held up somewhere running out of air, Harry still ambles over to him almost enjoying the moment.
Harry asks where the girl is.
The psycho screams, “you tried to kill me”
Harry replies “If I’d tried that, your head would be splattered all over this field. Now where’s the girl?”
Not Happy with the answers he’s getting, Harry begins torturing the psycho by standing on the bullet hole in the punks leg which is so big, he could quite easily use it as a cup holder.

One liners:
The man has as many one liners as he has bullets and if you can’t quote one from any of the five films then you need to get electricity and a TV put into your cave.

Does he cry:
The man wasn’t born with tear ducts, that simple. God cries for him instead.

Does he get the bad guy:
Dirty Harry is Death incarnate, you work it out.

3# Sergeant Martin Riggs Lethal Weapon (1987)
In a nut shell:
Mel Gibson is Martin Riggs, another Vietnam vet who has developed a hugely entertaining suicidal death wish after losing his wife in a car accident.
Well entertaining for us but so much for his newly assigned (coming up to retirement) partner Danny Glover.
Whilst investigating the suicide of a hooker who’s taken a swan dive out of a 30 floor window, Riggs and Murtaugh uncover a sinister drug gang run by ex-military peeps. Being nice and considerate chaps, they decide to save the tax payers some money and just kill every single last one of them.

Hardest moment:
Riggs arrives at a call where a sniper is holed up in an apartment building taking pot shots at a group of pinned down kids in a play park. Riggs calmly walks into the line of fire and shouts to the sniper something like “You got a pair or do you only do kids?”
This annoys Mr Sniper and he starts firing at Riggs. Unfortunately his a crap shot and misses. Good news is Mr Riggs isn’t. He fills the guy with holes. The first shot kills him, the other 17 are just to make damn sure no one can make a canoe out of poor old Mr Sniper.
No one liners here, he just lights a fag and wanders off. A passing police man who is blessed with the gift of stating the bleeding obvious says.
“You sure are one crazy son of a bitch but you’re good”
Not shit Sherlock.

One liners:
Riggs in the first film hasn’t really developed his arsenal of quips, he’s too busy working out creative ways to get killed in the line of duty.
But he does poke some cruel fun at his tormented partner.

Does he cry:
Like a baby. But again, he’s already well into his 8th bottle of Jack Daniels and hugging a picture of his dead wife. Pussy you think, you think wrong. Only moments before he tasting the business end of his gun. But he didn’t pull the trigger! I hear you say. Well if he had we wouldn’t have a film you silly person.

Does he get the bad guy:
And then some. He kicks the living shit out of the perp and lures him into the false hope he’s getting arrested, then shoots him anyway.
What a tease.

4# Sergeant John McClane Die Hard (1988)

In a nut shell:
Bruce Willis is John McClane, a New York cop that’s toodled over to LA for the Xmas hols to see his estranged wife. Only a bunch of long haired hippy and tennis pro looking terrorists decide to take the skyscraper hostage. Mr McClane is not too happy about this and sets out to kill them all, armed with only his trusty side arm, his wife beater vest and his deep seeded psychotic emotional baggage.

Hardest moment:
Make no mistake John McClane is as hard as they come. Not because he is just a hard bastard, he’s hard because the man is off the ‘I’m a fucking looney toon’ chart. So don’t let his loveable, wise cracking charm fool you, the guys a psycho killer with a badge.
So down to the hardest moment, well he has a few things that just make him uber hard. The fact that is wife is sporting the most horrific hair cut to come out of the 80’s and he still wants to do the horizontal rumba with her is one of them.
He pulls pieces of broken glass the size of carving knives out of his feet is another.
But the one part that really highlights how unhinged this mofo is, is the part when he takes on one of the terrorists in a fist fight. The guys huge and could probably have him but that doesn’t bother his nut job of a cop, he wades in anyway and breaks his neck.
Then McClane plonks dead body on a chair, dresses him up in a santa hat and writes ‘Ho ho ho, now I have a machine gun’ on his shirt and sends the dead body down in the lift to where the rest of the bad guys are hanging out.
We as the audience find this funny. The bad guys however start to quietly brick themselves as they slowly begin to realise there is a serial killer loose in the building.

One liners:
John McClane finds everyone he kills amusing and he is just brimming with one liners.
“Welcome to the party pal” is one line he shouts after chucking a dead body out of the building onto the bonet of a police car and as I seem to recall he lets out a small giggle as the copper fills his pants.
But his most infamous line is the “Yippee Ki aye mother fucker” which probably had the lower end of the IQ American audience on their feet clapping shouting back ‘you tell that limey fucker John!’

Does he cry:
He gets a little misty when he’s talking on the radio to the fat cop outside the building and hides it behind the old ‘if I don’t make it please tell….’ Routine.
This didn’t fool me. There are a few reasons I can think of why he wanted to cry.
1# He’d just realised how bloody awful his wife’s hair was.
2# He really needed a pee.
3# He hadn’t killed or maimed someone in over 10 mins.
I go for number 3.

Does he get the bad guy:
Of course he does. He kills every last one of them and in various styles to please his homicidal impulses.
He’s an arrogant, cockey, swinging dick of an American. They always come up top trumps when faced with a gang of English and European bad guys because brawn always wins over brains!
YIPPEEEEE KIIIIIII AYYEEEEE LIMEY FUCKERS!

5# FBI Agent Frank Castle The Punisher (2004)

In a nut shell:
Thomas Jane is Frank Castle who’s just fresh into retirement from his life as a deep cover agent to his sexy wife and plucky son. Unfortunately Mr Castle blew away the son of slightly powerful crime boss and as you can guess, he’s slightly miffed.
And when the crime bosses wife tells him to kill his whole family you think just Mr Castle’s wife and son, you’d be wrong. They kill everyone from his mother and father, his father and mother in law, their offspring, the offspring’s offspring, the cat, the dog, the hamster and the goldfish.

Hardest moment:
Mr Castle is just hard through out the entire film. They shoot him four or five times and blow him up (never once thinking to shoot him in the head)
Mr Castle still walks away from it, mere flesh wounds. He then goes about sinking crate after crate of Wild Turkey whiskey night after night whilst polishing his pistol (oooo err) and hatching his somewhat fucked up and extremely vindictive plan on how he’s going to fuck this crime boss right up.

One liners:
Mr Castle prefers to monologue to his victims as a prelude to the sick and twisted way he’s come up with to dispatch them to the after life.
The closest thing he has to a one liner is when someone tells him to go with God.
Castle just replies “God? God’s going to sit this one out”

Does he cry:
Not a single tear. Even after he’s just found his wife and son who have just been mangled by a 4x4 he only gets slightly misty and I mean slightly.
The one point in the film where I thought he was going to lose it and break down I was completely wrong. He just tools off and gathers up his fathers arsenal of weapons the inept police just happened to leave lying about at the crime scene.
But he doesn’t stop there, Mr Castle has a stash of weapons of his own which he has obviously gathered up over his years as a FED but with the amount of gear he’s got, he could probably arm China.
Real men like Castle don’t cry, they just polish guns.

Does he get the bad guy:
Not only does he get the bad guy, he spends most of the film mentally torturing the swine! Castle goes to great lengths to make the crime boss think his best friend (who is a closet gay) is fucking his wife. Crime boss kills friend and tosses his wife off a bridge. At this point Jeremy Beadle jumps out and shouts “You’ve been framed butt munch”
Castle kills them all and he uses every weapon at his disposal in such creative ways you feel like giving the poor sod some cash so he can go out and get laid.
Thinking up creative ways to kill people is not a healthy pass time. He’s on par with John McClane for the psychotic bastard crown.

Eurovision 2007

Ok, ok I know this isn't really our thing but I've just caught the end of the Eurovision show to pick the terror that we're going to inflict upon Helsinki sometime soon.

Scooch, or something. I mean like.... what the fuck?!?! Go and watch it, it's bound to be somewhere to view online.

I know this review isn't like those beautifully crafted pieces that Moggie produces but I am really lost for anything constructive to say.

Makes old Daz Sampson from last year look like Bob Dylan.

Edit: Here, done the legwork for you - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kNoAddyUMQ

I'm not entirely sure that the aviation theme is compatible with our current obsession with global warming and carbon emissions.

Frank Miller's 300 (2006)

Tag Line:
The world will know of the few that stood against many.

IMoG’s Tag Line:
Come on then if you think you’re hard enough.

The Plot in a Nut Shell:
Based on the Battle of Thermopylae, 300 Spartans stand against the massive invading Persians force.

When a Persian messenger turns up at the steps of Sparta with the decapitated heads of a couple of conquered kings and rudely asks King Leonidas (Gerard Butler) for Sparta’s submission to the self proclaimed God-King Xerxes (Rodrigo Santoro) Things kick off a little bit.
Leonidas punts the messenger down a well (an unlawful action) and decides to go to war. One slightly problem pops up for him, the high council and some freaky inbred priesty types forbid him to go.
Leonidas basically gives them all the finger, picks 300 of his finest men and tools off anyway.

This film is unlike anything you’ve ever seen. Based on the graphic novel by Frank Miller, it looks like and oil painting. Having never been a huge fan of CGI work, I can honestly say that the digital stuff in this film nothing short of amazing.

It’s around 2 hours long and it sails by in no time. The first 15mins gives you a nice little insight to who the Spartan’s were and then its straight into the good stuff.
The battle scenes are excellently choreographed, with the shots slipping into slow motion and back again with thrilling results.
The director, Zack Snyder keeps the plot and action tight. Never once does he fall into the old “sod the story, look at all this cool CGI stuff we can do”.
The only times the film slows down a tad is when it goes back to Sparta and the back story of Queen Gorgo (Lena Headey) desperately trying to convince the High Council to send out the full Spartan army to help her husband.
But these moments are a welcome break in pace.

Not much is known about the fighting style and this is something the film makers gleefully take advantage of. Watching these guys fight as one fluid combat unit is utterly brilliant. Since Lord of the Rings, we seem to have been inundated with other peoples attempts at the epics of history but 300 is the only one worthy of notice.


Classic Moment:
There are absolutely loads of them. Choc-o-full of great lines and moments its hard to pick.
The two that stick in my mind is the scene when Leonidas shouts “this is Sparta!” and hoofs the cocky arsed Persian messenger down the Well.
The other is when a Persian scout (having just had his arm cut off by a Spartan) informs them that the Persian force is so massive that their arrows will blot out the sun. The Spartan just smiles and says “Then we will fight in the shade”

How these Spartans managed to walk about with balls so big is beyond me, they must of had wheel barrows to carry their nuts about in.


What’s Wrong with it:
Well as a film not much and I’m refusing to get drawn into the whole historical arguments people are already having about it.

This film is Frank Miller’s 300, based on his research, findings and writing, it never claimed to be a completely cock on retelling of what actually happened.
And to be honest I don’t much care what’s right and what’s wrong.

Round up:
300 is of a caliber worthy of your attention, its been a while something this good has come about. But with it only getting a very limited cinema release in the UK due to Warner Brothers being total bell ends, this film is tragically not going to get the viewers it deserves.

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300 Trailer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZm52UrkDpA

STALKER: Shadow of Chernobyl (PC 2007)

The pc game that's been 7 seven years in the making is almost here and its shaping up to be a good one.
Stalker promises to be the FPS that makes Half-Life 2 look like bambi and it also looks like the cool things the dev's were bragging about all that time ago are (much to my surprise) actually in the game.
The main of them being the much hyped 'A-Life System' in a nut shell, game scripting is a thing of the past with Stalker's AI pretty much making it up as it goes along.
This will give the game huge reply factor.
Having recently kicked my online game addiction (ie Warcraft) I've been chopping at the bit for some action.
Roll on next friday.

Check it out for yourself

http://www.stalker-videogame.com/

http://www.stalker-game.com/en/

Miami Vice (2006)

Tag Line:
No Law, No Order, No Rules

IMoG’s Tag Line:
Don Johnson was a pussy

The Plot in a Nut Shell:
Det. Crockett and Tubbs go deep uncover as drug runners to gain enough evidence to nail a top dog drug baron.

The big screen (now DVD) outing for the 80’s worst dressed cops has arrived.
Colin Farrell replaces Don Johnson as Det. James 'Sonny' Crockett and Jamie Foxx replaces Philip Michael Thomas as Det. Ricardo 'Rico' Tubbs.

So the film opens with Crockett and Tubbs getting a phone call from one of their old snitches telling them he’s just grassed up a deep cover FBI agent because some Nazi type peeps are holding his girlfriend hostage.
The FBI dude buys it in a hail of impressive sniper fire.
The girlfriend buys it and the snitch talks a short walk under the wheels of a passing truck.
Needless to say, Crockett and Tubbs are a little miffed at all this.
Enter

Ciarán Hinds as FBI Agent Fujima who recruits the two coppers to go undercover as drug transport dudes in an effort to find out where the link in the FBI department as come from.

And the fun begins.

What can you expect, well if you decide to watch this film thinking you’re going to see a master piece that kicks Heat in the arse, you’re going to be disappointed.

This is about story telling and style, which in the hands of Michael Mann it is choc full of, it practically oozes off the screen. But I think Mann knew he’d have a hard time topping Heat and decided not to bother.
The night time stuff looks amazing via the use of the new digital stuff.
Having watched the release and unrated versions, I can tell you there’s not much difference. The rated version leans a little more toward a dark storyline and fleshes out Tubbs’ character a little more. I preferred this version.

The film is just over 2hrs long and when I saw this at the cinema if I’m honest I didn’t notice the time pass, with the ending sneaking up on me to a mental “What? Already?” running through my head.

(one last thing, Crockett and Tubbs are harder than bleeding nails)

Classic Moment:
Two stick in my mind the most.

1: The scene where Crockett & Tubbs attend a job interview of sorts with José Yero played by John Ortiz to run the drugs for his boss.

Yero points at Crockett whilst informing Tubbs “You, you’re ok but your partner, I don’t like the look of him”
Tubbs calmly asks him “Do you want to fuck my partner?”

2: The stand off scene near the end of the film when Det. Gina Calabrese played by Elizabeth Rodriguez is pointing a rather large rifle at some big Nazi dude that has a bomb detonator in his hand.
Her little speech about where she’s going to shoot him in the head and why is nothing short of classic.

What’s Wrong with it:
Well the main thing here is Crockett’s love interest Isabella played by Li Gong. The woman can hardly speak a stitch of English. Thank God for DVD subtitles. No idea why Michael Mann cast her. I mean bless her she tries but get some frigging English lessons.

I can’t help feeling that even after watching the ‘Unrated and slightly longer’ version of the film that there was still a lot missing. I have a funny feeling that maybe the studio interfered a great deal with the final version we should have seen.

Round up:
Miami Vice is a slow burner with a story to tell, granted not the most amazing of stories to grace our screens but still not in anyway shabby.
If you’re expecting a big glossy Hollywood affair go see Ghost Rider. This film has all the gloss, just not where you’d expect it.

I guess it’s like Marmite, you’ll either love it or hate it. I personally loved it.


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Ghost Rider (2007)

Tag Line:
Long ago he made a deal to save someone he loved.

The Plot in a Nut Shell:
Nic Cage is the Johnny Blaze a modern day Evel Knievel, By night he is the rip roaring spirit of vengeance known as the Ghost Rider.

So we are blessed with another Marvel comic adaptation. Nic Cage plays a stunt motorcyclist that sold his soul when he was a teenager to the Devil to help save his father who was dying of cancer. The contract sealed in blood, he is now the right hand man to the dark prince who calls upon him when needed.

Eva Mendes plays the eye totty and the long lost love Mr Cage had to leave behind after signing the contract.

The plot from what I could make out is all to do with some other contract that was signed decades before that the Ghost Rider of the time (Sam Elliot) nicked and hid from the devil to stop something or other from happening.

Ok first off this film is probably the biggest pile of poopy I’ve seen in a very long time and I don’t say that lightly. Even as a total pop corn, disengage brain type flick, I still caught myself checking I still had a pulse through out.
It wasn’t even in the sense of being so bad it actually made it good. Coup and I even failed to find anything we could take the piss out of as we watched it.

Mr Cage really does need a good slap from someone and needs to be told he is not fucking Elvis Presley. Every other shot he was trying to do the patented Elvis pointing pose and everytime he did I was just waiting for the “Thank you, thank you very much” line.
A CGI fest from start to finish, you can’t help but think the SFX peeps were too busy spanking their monkeys with all the cool things they were doing that the script they were working from was probably turned into some attractive party hats or paper airplanes.

Peter Fonda also stars in this film as the Devil and he hams it up to no end. His version of Mephistopheles is probably the campest, boarding on all out gay you’ll ever see. A few times when he’s chatting with Mr Cage, I found myself wondering when he was going to break into song, kick out his heels whilst spinning his cane with a wonderful rendition of “Signing in the Rain or “My Way”.

The film was that bad I don’t even recall seeing Stan Lee in his compulsory cameo but then again I may of missed it when I was on the hunt for beer or crisps.

There were a lot of things that didn’t sit right with me and trust me when I say at this point I really was trying not to take it seriously at all.
The Ghost Rider protects the innocent and only kills those that are evil but I really couldn’t help but wonder how many innocent people he wiped out with the massive property damage he inflected just by riding down the street when he took his S&M looking Motorcycle Hog from Hell for a spin.
It made the footage from the Gulf wars of the yanks bombing Iraq look like something out of Bambi.

This is a bad film sorry to say it, but when the hair piece out acts the leading actors head its sat on I was really glad I hadn’t paid to see it.

Man of the Match:
Goes to Sam Elliot just for being one of the coolest men to walk the earth and I’m completely bewildered as to how they got him to star in this film. All I can say is that Shakedown (aka Blue Jean Cop) is forgiven.

What Have We Learned:
Well Hollywood insists on keeping throwing money at Nic Cage to star in films. Maybe they’re hoping one day he’ll do something as good as Raising Arizona.

Eva Mendes has great cleavage.

Looks like Mark Steven Johnson’s excellent Dare Devil (compared to Ghost Rider it is) was a complete one off.

It's movie making paint by numbers stuff.

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