After recently discovering the TV series Deadwood. I wondered how the 21st century office enviroment would cope with Gem Saloon owner, Al Swearengen.So I did my homework. For three weeks I studied the character, his way of thinking and most of all his dialogue.
I will admit it was a challenge but as you will see below. I think the results of my day were rewarding.
For those of you unfamiliar with Deadwood just follow the link on the right or watch this: Deadwood
Deadwood Day 13 May 2009
I'm approached by one of the cocksuckers from our phone team.
Cocksucker 1: Morning Al, we've just been informed that Mrs Brown has passed away and I thought you might want to have a look at it.
Swearengen: God rest the soul of that poor lady (I stand to make an announcement) and pussy's half price for the next 15 minutes.
Cocksucker 1: What? What the Hell are you talking about?
Swearengen: (I sit back down, slightly deflated by the lack of interest in the cheap pussy)
Pah, just tell the husband to wave a penny under the Jew's nose you fuckin' cocksucker.If they've got living breath in them, brings them right around.
At this point the cocksucker decides to retreat, obviously intimidated by superior linguistic skills
9:56am
I'm trying to enjoy a cup of piss laced with tar when some Loopy Cunt from title decides to take a stab at ruining my day.Loopy Cunt 1: Morning Al! I just wanted to feed this back to you that you'd made a mistake on the letter you issued out to the solicitors. It's no biggy though.
Swearengen: Now listen here you fuckin' loopy cunt! Sayin' questions in that tone and pointin' your finger at me will get you told to go fuck yourself!
Loopy Cunt: Al! There's not need for that response, I just thought you'd better know.
Swearengen: Is that so? Well I want to know how's that pussy-lotion? Should I try some on my ass? Underarms clean? Cunt braided? Well then, shut your fuckin' mouth from the flapping and open it for the fuckin' suckin'.
10:39am
I'm in the latreen trying to push through the muddy donkey's piss they call coffee around here when some limey cocksucker from accounts decides to grace me with his fuckin' presence.Limey Cocksucker: Morning Al. How you doing?
Swearengen: What is it about you limey fuckin' cocksuckers that you have to fuckin' talk to a man mid fuckin' piss and upset the fuckin' density of my flow?
Limey Cocksucker: Al, you ok?
Swearengen: Get the fuck out of here before I slit your fuckin' throat and feed you to Wu's fuckin' pigs and get a hair cut you fuckin' cunt, you look like your mother fucked a fuckin' monkey.
1:52pm
I'm reconnoitering my maps to see where the latest gold claim has sprung up when the most repugnant God damn smell pays a visit to my nostrils. I eye the hoople fuckin' heads around me with suspicion before standing up.
Swearengen: I wanna know who cut the cheese?
[nobody answers]
I'll tell you this for openers, we are gonna set off an area on the balcony.
[I walk over to the fire escape and open the doors]
And God help whoever doesn't use it, because the next stink I have to smell in this office and whoever doesn't admit to it is going out the window, into the muck, onto their fucking heads. Then we'll see how they like farting from that position, okay?
I'm reconnoitering my maps to see where the latest gold claim has sprung up when the most repugnant God damn smell pays a visit to my nostrils. I eye the hoople fuckin' heads around me with suspicion before standing up.
Swearengen: I wanna know who cut the cheese?
[nobody answers]
I'll tell you this for openers, we are gonna set off an area on the balcony.
[I walk over to the fire escape and open the doors]
And God help whoever doesn't use it, because the next stink I have to smell in this office and whoever doesn't admit to it is going out the window, into the muck, onto their fucking heads. Then we'll see how they like farting from that position, okay?
